How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
