There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
