Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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