It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize