There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
