Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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