a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
