Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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