you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
