i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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