he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
