I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
