when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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