if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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