I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
