do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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