why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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