He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
