ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
