Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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