dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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