Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize