I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
