i may or may not be watching the land before time
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize