you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
