the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
