I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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