I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
