Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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