I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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