Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
