Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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