I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
