Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
is wine microwaveable?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
