Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
