My cat gives me a boner
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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