i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
