I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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