just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
