I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
