I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My dick has a subreddit
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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