Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize