Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
