Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How naked do you want me to be?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
