Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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