I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
