I hate your face
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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