her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
