you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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