I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
is it fun? or sober?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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