my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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