Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
