I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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