dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
