dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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