Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
