worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
