im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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