my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
MIDGETS
????
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize