Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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