he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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