You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can't put those talents on a resume
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize