for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
