Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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