Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
